


Dear Elim

by kronette



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-23 06:45:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/619241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kronette/pseuds/kronette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bashir tries to write a goodbye letter to Garak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Elim

**Author's Note:**

> This story appeared in the fanzine The Temple Jewel #2, by Janis Cortese. Originally posted in 1996.

_My dearest Elim_... _We both knew this day would come_...

"No, that won't do either." Doctor Julian Bashir chewed on his thumbnail, staring at the terminal in front of him. He had been staring at it for over an hour, trying to compose a letter. Sighing, he cleared the screen and tried again.

 _My dearest Elim_... _I've grown to care about you a great deal, but I'm afraid_...

"Bah!" Julian shoved the terminal away from himself, nearly knocking it onto the floor. He buried his face in his hands, moaning softly. "How can I do this to him? Why can't I do this?" he murmured to himself. It had seemed so simple, when he thought of it. When he realized he and Garak could no longer be a couple. When he could no longer deal with him. When he could no longer face him.

"Oh, my dear Elim. I still love you, but I just can't go on like this. Day after day, you wait for me. You expect me to be here. And I am. I return home to you faithfully, night after night. But...I can't anymore. I just can't," Julian whispered to himself. Tears were streaming down his cheeks; he brushed at them and cleared his throat. Pushing himself up from his desk, he cleared the screen once more and locked up for the night. To return to his quarters. To return to Garak.

***

"Hello Julian," Garak greeted the doctor pleasantly at the door. He waved to the room around him. "I hope you don't mind, but I've decided to rearrange things. I thought a change would be good."

I forced a smile. When we had agreed on my quarters to house us both, because mine were bigger, the practicality was undeniable. Living together, however, was proving more difficult than I could ever have imagined. Little things, like this - rearranging our quarters without consulting me first - were beginning to grate on my nerves.

Julian counted to ten, then spoke. "Of course I don't mind, Elim. The change is certainly welcome," he added absently, noting that his personal trinkets had been moved to the left shelves, while Garak's were all on the right.  _How odd_ Julian thought. Garak had been such a stickler about things being spread about evenly when he first moved in a year ago.

"I'm glad to hear it," Garak said with a smile. He sank onto the couch, motioning for Julian to join him. "Come, Julian, I have something for you."

"What is it?" Julian asked warily.

I remember your last 'surprise' for me, Elim. And I don't remember it fondly.

The last thing Garak had given him was startling, if not downright unpleasant. It was some Cardassian contraption that Julian had refused to wear, even once. Garak had been upset, at first.

But I had explained it to him, and he had understood.

Garak smiled fondly at his lover. "Julian, it's not what you're thinking." He produced a small box from between the cushions. "Here."

Julian took the proffered box, opening it with one eye on the tailor. Nestled inside was chocolate. Delvanian chocolate. "Elim," Julian exclaimed, "How on Earth did you manage to sneak these aboard?"

"You mean without you knowing about it? Well, my dear doctor, I'm still the spy in this house. I still have my secrets," Garak teased, his blue eyes sparkling.

Oh, how I know it. Yet another "little thing" that's been bothering me. You and your damn secrets. You still haven't told me what happened on your mission to the Gamma Quadrant, Elim. You haven't told me that you were on the same ship as Tain, and that you agreed to return with him. You never even told me you were lovers. You were content to return without him, start up your business again, and be done with it. Well dammit Elim, I wanted more. I deserve more.

"That you do," Julian acquiesced with a wry smile. "Now, how about dinner? I'm starved. Quark's?"

Garak grimaced. "Oh, I'm not in the mood today. In fact, why don't I prepare a light meal here? We haven't 'dined in' in ages." He spoke quickly, lightly.

I know what you're doing, you crafty old Cardassian. You think a romantic meal at home will bring the old fires back. Well, I'm sorry, but that won't work. Not your cooking, not your sweet-talk, and not your caresses. Not this time.

"That would be nice. I'll change and set the table," Julian nodded, getting up and heading for their bedroom. He stripped and took a brief shower, slipped into his favorite beige shirt and grey pants, then returned to the living area to set the table.

"I'm ready. How's dinner?" Julian asked, walking over to the replicator and sampling a bite of - whatever was still warming on it.

"Almost...done," Garak called, coming into the living area and setting a soup tureen in the center of the table, between the two place settings. His gaze swept the table. "Julian, you forgot something."

"I did?" Julian turned around, scrutinizing the settings. "No, I don't believe I did," he mused.

"Ah." Garak wagged a finger at him, and turning, produced two candles. "If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right," he announced, setting them down with a flourish and lighting them. "Come. Sit," he implored, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

Damn you, Elim. You're trying to seduce me. Romanticize me. Well, I won't let it work. Not this time. I'm tired of playing games, Elim. So  _tired_.

Julian pulled out his chair and sat, and began ladling the soup. Midway through the meal, Garak broke the silence.

"You've been terribly quiet, Julian. Is something on your mind?" he asked, his eyes flickering to Julian's then back to his meal.

Julian paused eating, setting his fork down carefully. "Yes, there is," he managed to say before losing his nerve. He picked up his fork and began eating again.

"Is it something you can discuss?" Garak asked, knowing if it was a medical problem, it was doubtful the doctor could talk about it.

"Yes it is," Julian got out again, determined to see his speech through, then looked up into those azure eyes. "But I'd rather not discuss it here, not now."

"Very well," Garak said cautiously, as if afraid to speak. He resumed eating, allowing the silence to flow around them again.

All too soon, the meal was over, the dishes were cleaned and put away, and the room put back in order. Garak ordered a glass of Kanaar and a glass of Chablis and joined Julian on the couch.

"Thank you," Julian said, a bit surprised. It had been some time since they'd enjoyed a quiet meal in their quarters, and even longer since they'd shared a drink.

What are you up to, Elim? What game are you playing? This isn't your normal seduction. You're usually much more forward than this. Much more.

"How was your day?" Julian asked, sipping the chilled wine.

"Oh, not too bad," Garak mused, settling back on the couch and slipping off his shoes. "A few minor problems, but nothing I couldn't handle." He paused, looking over at the younger man next to him. "How was your day, Julian?" Garak asked again. "You said you had something on your mind."

"I did," Julian confirmed. He took a long swallow of his wine, nearly draining it. He set the stemmed glass on the table, taking his time, then he looked Garak in the eye. And lost his resolve, yet again.

"It's nothing important," he assured the Cardassian.

"It was important enough to distract you during dinner," Garak pointed out, sipping his Kanaar.

Dammit, dammit  _dammit_. You could  _always_ see right through me. I could never lie to you.  _Never_. Why must you know everything about me? Why must you always  _read_ me? Can't I have any secrets from you anymore?

"It was, but I think I've sorted it out now. It was nothing. Really," Julian assured him, offering a small smile. He picked up his glass and drained it, making a move to refill it. "Did you want another?"

Garak looked at his nearly empty glass. "Please."

Nodding, Julian went to the replicator and ordered two more drinks, then returned to the couch. He reached over and set the glass of blue Kanaar in front of Garak, then started to lean back with his own drink, when it was snatched out of his hands.

"What the -"

"Shh, Julian," Garak whispered, setting the glass down with practiced ease. He traced Julian's sharp, defined face with a fingertip, drawing a shudder from the slighter man. "I just wanted you to relax."

I haven't been relaxed in months, you sonuvabitch.

"Elim, are you trying to seduce me?" Julian asked lightly, his eyes sparkling.

"I'm not trying, Julian," Garak whispered in his ear, nibbling on the lobe. His hot tongue flicked out, tracing the contours of the Human's ear, feeling him twitch under him.

"Elim..." Julian breathed, his hands coming up to brush along the Cardassian's neckridges. He stroked down them, causing the other man to moan.

Garak nuzzled the slender neck, worked his way down to the slim, smooth chest. His large hands found the fastenings to Julian's shirt and stole inside, cool fingers tracing hot flesh. Julian moaned, writhing beneath him. Garak continued the light caresses, touching here, teasing there. Fondling one chocolate nipple. Kissing along a collarbone. Sucking on the impossibly long neck. He was moving slowly, cautiously, as if he knew...

Oh, Elim, you're doing it again. You're seducing me. And I'm letting you. But you always knew just where to touch me, oh, right  _there_ , you always knew my weak spots. And I could never resist you...never...

"Elim," Julian whispered. "Elim, I want you," he pleaded, moving the tailor's hands from his shirt to his pants, and his growing erection.

Garak's hands stole inside that fastening as well, releasing Julian's sex, sliding his pants onto the floor. He undressed himself just as quickly, and soon hot caramel flesh met cool reptilian grey. Thrusting quickly against one another, first Garak, then Julian, spilled their seed onto the other, crying out their lovers' name.

Still panting, Garak slid his body along the slender frame, capturing the full, sensuous lips with his own and kissing the doctor deeply. His kiss was hot, demanding, nearly frantic.

Julian pushed against him gently, trying to breathe. "Elim," he managed to gasp, breaking free of his kiss. "I have to catch my breath," he pleaded, his slight chest rising and falling rapidly.

Garak was barely listening. He had gone straight from Julian's lips to his throat, nipping and sucking until Julian was moaning under him yet again. When Julian started to respond to him, he broke away, sitting up on his hands.

"Julian, do you want me?" Garak asked, the hunger plain in his eyes.

"Yes," Julian answered huskily, reaching for him.

Garak grasped the doctor's hands and pulled him to his feet. "Not here," he whispered to the confused younger man, kissing and twirling him toward their bedroom. Julian allowed himself to be led, used to it.

Oh, yes I'm used to it. You always start this, and you always finish it. On your terms. And tonight will be the same. I get to feel you inside me one last time...

Garak pushed him gently back on the bed, covering the smaller frame with his own broader one. Again, his tongue delved into Julian's hot mouth; hungry, demanding. Reaching into the nightstand drawer, Garak fumbled for the tube of lubrication they kept there. Still trying to kiss him, Garak tried to roll Julian over on his side. It wasn't working.

"Julian," Garak murmured, knowing the answer before he asked the question.

"Yes, Elim," Julian whispered back, slowly turning over on his stomach, holding onto a pillow for support. He felt the coolness against his cleft, felt Garak slip a finger inside him. He moaned.

Garak poised above the Human, massaging his pert little ass. One hand slid around to grasp Julian's sex firmly, while Garak pushed his own sex inside the doctor, slowly, until he was completely inside him. Garak began to rock, gently at first, but more demanding as his body's needs cried out to him. He pumped Julian harder, faster, until he cried out, "Elim!" and soaked the tailor's hand and their sheets with his semen.

Garak rode him harder, bringing himself over the edge as well, crying out, "Julian," as he came inside him. They lay together, quietly, each lost in thought.

The emotion is gone. That's the problem. I still love the feel of you inside me, Elim. It's just the emotion that's gone. I - I don't want to admit I don't love you anymore, so I continue to play this game. I continue to return home to you. My dearest Elim, it's not fair to either of us for me to go on living the greatest lie of all...

Julian stirred; Garak shifted off of him. Pulling the Cardassian into his arms, Julian snuggled against the broad, solid chest, and cried himself to sleep.

***

Julian awoke to an empty bed. Sighing with a strange mix of sadness and relief, he made his way to the shower, tossing the sheets into the reclamation unit as he did so.

He exited the shower, went to his closet and pulled on his uniform. Grabbing a quick bite at the replicator, he hastily pulled on his boots and reported for duty.

It was a full morning, with newly arrived peoples to be inoculated, problems with old patients, minor accidents to deal with. When Julian finally had a moment's peace, he went into his office, flopping down in his chair. Still hard as a rock, but comfortable.

He swiveled the chair around to check his messages on his terminal when a package caught his eye. It was the Delvanian chocolates, wrapped in a piece of paper. No, a note. It was a handwritten note, from Elim.

 _My dearest Julian, it's not fair to either of us for me to go on living the greatest lie of all_...

The paper fluttered out of my nerveless fingers to the floor.

The End


End file.
